i dont even know how to be here
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
