thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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