my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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