I wish my penis had an off switch
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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