It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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