Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
