took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
