If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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