next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
