chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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