there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Randomize
