Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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