By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
