You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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