I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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