But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
