he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
