She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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