Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
