My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
