My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
