im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
