woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
