Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
