Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
