I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
