I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
