Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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