Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
