my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
