i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
