He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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