Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
