I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
