i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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