I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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