No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
