I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
