Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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