epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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