Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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