I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
