I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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