walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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