i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
