I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
