He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
