So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
