is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
