I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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